Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
