Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
