Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
