It was confusing and full of hummus
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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