life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Ketchup is God's man juice
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
