he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
