wakey wakey hands off snakey
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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