hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Randomize
