her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
