i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
