The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
