i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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