the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
