He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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