Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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