i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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