6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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