Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
