Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
