you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
