textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
