Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Randomize
