Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
