We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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