I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
