I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
