I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
