Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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