remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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