I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
