Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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