I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
