community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
