would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
