you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Randomize
