Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
