Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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