The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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