Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
