Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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