I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
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