I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
