Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
