Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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