I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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