She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
