is your mom at the bar?
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
