Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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