I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
