i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I just cut my nipple shaving
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
