Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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