Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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