If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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