this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I cut my penus on the lid.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
