in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
