Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Watching her eat just hurts me
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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