I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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