i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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